by Alexxus Young

DEAD OF NIGHT on DVD: Really Scary

Okay, there may be exemptions from the worst marriage in cinema history (i.e. horror movies bonding with CGI). It's likely that LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN and PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN will apply serious FX but not at the expense of eroding characterizations-unlike commerce that leans on technology as the raison d'etre for shelf life at Blockbuster. Sorry, but CGI is about as subtle as a custard cream pie discharged in a James Ivory saga (and we're talkin' Wal Mart pastry).

Ya wanna be really scared? Turn color-blind and screen some b&w British films (circa 1940s/50s). My absolute fave is SCROOGE ('51, titled A CHRISTMAS CAROL for U.S. release): nothing is artificial about the movie, least of its performances (Alastair Sim is Scrooge, accept no substitutes), its screenplay, its legion of spirits (their spectral presence is provincially communicated via double-exposure photography) and pools of shadows.

Something seemed to hibernate in those pockets of darkness, something that resisted the warm glow of the camera lights (this illusion dissolved when some buttcrack colorized SCROOGE, rendering its stark, monochromatic milieu into crayon-colored reality: London's wintry, stark environment, visible through a window pane in Scrooge's flat, is revealed to be nothing more than a painted scrim).

Hence, I was nothing less than ecstatic to learn that Anchor Bay was debuting DEAD OF NIGHT on DVD. If you haven't screened this film, I have to presume you are nothing more than a lame-o, dumb-as-a-Baldwin, slasher addict (you disgust me). I won't waste my time with nothing more than a condensed summary: A man experiencing deja-vu, upon his arrival at a British cottage, greets guests who recount supernatural encounters (each is spun-off into an episodic vignette). My only beef is with the "Christmas Party" story-the concluding denouement is verbally pitched (for the film medium, something should have been visually compromised). Hell, I'm even game with the maligned "Golfing Story" (pruned from the U.S. release for "time" compatibility, though I suspect the risque fade-out may have pissed-off censors). The intensity of the other stories may have been eclipsed by imitations. The "Hearse Driver" story was invoked, fifteen years later, in a TWILIGHT ZONE episode titled "Twenty-Two." The most acclaimed anecdote, "The Ventriloquist's Dummy," has been mimeographed into legion of clones-a TWILIGHT ZONE rip-off ("The Dummy"), an ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS episode ("The Glass Eye") and a surfeit of movies (MAGIC, DEVIL DOLL, et al).

"Haunted Mirror" may have prompted Robert Bloch to pen "The Hungry Glass," which was adapted for the TV series, BORIS KARLOFF'S THRILLER (this TV episode still scares the bejesus out of me. Why doesn't the Sci-Fi Channel revive this show?). But the conclusion of DEAD's linking story, featuring Mervyn Johns (subsequently cast as "Bob Cratchit" in SCROOGE), may be the most surreal-and, yes, scary-disclosure in horror film history. Characters from the anthology's unrelated stories convene to interact with Mr. Johns-and that's all I'm gonna say. Wait-just one more thing. At the conclusion of each flashback scene, watch the narrative footage of Johns suspecting his "housewarming" fraternity is a reprisal of past dreams: the brightly-lit cottage interior progressively sinks into the shadows as Johns slips into the sector of the nightmare that he couldn't previously recount. This is horror with kick-in-the-ass panache.

Anchor Bay double-billed DEAD OF NIGHT with QUEEN OF SPADES (1949), a film declared as a "lost classic." Directed by Thorold Dickinson, and based upon a scenario by Aleksander Pushkin, the ghost story is something of an Epiphany for U.K. aficionados: the cast includes Brit veterans Athene Seyler (marvelous as Karswell's mom in CURSE OF THE DEMON), Miles Malleson (DEAD OF NIGHT's hearse driver, SCROOGE's "Old Joe"), Edith Evans, Anthony Dawson, Ronald Howard, et al. The story involves a Russian trooper who, abetted by a supernatural streak (and a pact with Satan), turns card shark in a climatic game. My only beef: appearing a bit padded, the film should have been abridged to the compact length of Pushkin's short story (in fact, QUEEN would have been a welcome addendum as a segment in DEAD OF NIGHT, sharing that movie's same flair for a decidedly nocturnal ambience). Nevertheless, it's definitely worth a screening (sample-in a flashback sequence-the genesis of Evans' alliance with the Devil).

The British horror cinema is more renascent than its American counterpart: countering subtlety with as much viscera as yesteryear's CIRCUS OF HORRORS, the Stygian brand of shadow is still stylishly applied to the likes of DOG SOLDIERS and 28 DAYS LATER.

Direct-to-Video Genre Pix: Really Stupid

I'll charitably omit the worst of last month's direct-to-video fodder (just the usual, parasitic "slasher" quickies). Dick Maas was afforded a substantive budget for THE SHAFT (aka DOWN), a remake of his 20-year-old indie, DE LIFT. Though cast with reputable U.S. character actors, the film's dialogue, delivery and truncated Anglicized vernacular reminds one of an import voiced by Sam Arkoff's crack team of SAMSON/GOLIATH dubbing operators. More disturbing is Naomi Watts' performance. Though intense as a single mother in THE RING (a dominant, pioneering role in the genre), Watts -- shafted by the script -- comes across as a hybrid of Charlie McCarthy and Jenny McCarthy.

Dutch filmmaker Maas encores the premise of an apparently rogue elevator that sadistically dispatches its passengers (including, in the retread's most tasteless scene, a coterie of pregnant ladies). The climatic, FX-laden showdown is more mechanically choreographed than the "shaft chase" scene in Abbott and Costello's COMIN' ROUND THE MOUNTAIN (SHAFT's "intentional" comic relief is furnished by a couple of security guards who echo the Terenzi Brothers from KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE...or maybe I'm thinking Hall and Gorcey in the Bowery Boys' TROUBLE MAKERS. It all goes down from there).

I had high hopes for SPLICED. Yeah, women are cast in principal roles, but good ideas drift into the script and are subsequently ground into a dead end. The heroine, plagued by nightmares and an addiction to horror films, admits she's sexually aroused by really scary stuff. This concept is dropped, Strike One.

The same protagonist realizes that a horror film titled THE WISHER is buttressed with subliminal messaging: this intriguing concept erodes into an implausible"surprise" whodunit, Strike Two.

Competently produced, SPLICED -- without the courage of its convictions -- lapses into moribund imitation of WISHMASTER (Strike Three), a franchise that one initially suspects would be lampooned.

Defecting to a more generic tract, this is one of the worst disappointments since I BURY THE LIVING ( a superior [1958] genre film that was completely aborted when, reacting to previews, someone omitted the original fade-out and substituted it with a happy though totally illogical ending. I'm sticking my neck out, but I wish someone would remake I BURY THE LIVING if there's an adherence to the script and its original conclusion).

Following on the coattails of an inexplicable "giant spider" trend (did anyone really expect EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS to be a blockbuster hit?), ARACHNIA anchors itself into a quagmire that's imploding from layers of landfill (ARACHNID, WEBS, SPIDERS, SPIDERS II, et al). Shot on a poverty row budget, it economically pays homage to '50s monster mashes, composer Bernard Herrmann and FX prodigy Ray Harryhausen (via stop motion photography, however one tableau is paradoxically lifted from Industrial Light & Magic's PG-challenged scene in JP: THE LOST WORLD).

The movie may "aspire" to be another GIANT SPIDER INVASION but it's handicapped without the latter film's camp icon/safety net, Alan Hale. Yep, an unconstrained Alan fired-off clunkers in a preemptive admission that the movie was junk. ARACHNIA is reluctant to make such a concession, instead opting to camouflage its cheesiness/clunkers by yielding to baby boomer indulgences (deflecting self-parody, it regresses not to the '50s but the '70s. Director/writer Brett Piper-whose DRANIAC was something about rabid "Liquid Plumber"-should retire his Fifth Dimension albums and Gilbert Shelton comics. Maybe he'll skip other generation next time and steal from Pauly Shore). Equally criminal is a waste of the film's #1 hot babe, who's cast in a vapid "bimbo" role...but that's another story.

Horrorfind 2003: Really Cool

Yep, it's almost time for your annual odyssey to Horrorfind, the mid-East's premiere Horror/Fantasy conclave. The pageantry includes a legion of genre celebrities, including-

Traci Lords in Blade

Traci Lords: ask her about Stephen King, FIRST WAVE, MELROSE PLACE or even THE NUTT HOUSE (she played "Miss Tress" in gags credited to one Alan Smithee). But don't mention her former vocation in any capacity: DJ Rick Dees once introduced her as a "porn queen," and Lords savagely tore him another butthole.

Alice Cooper: He played Freddy Krueger's dad, worked for John Carpenter and may be the #1 candidate to play my superhero, HulaMan ("When he puts on the grass, he's gonna kick some ass."). Alice sings, too.

Ken Foree: He's worked for the likes of Stuart Gordon, George Romero and Brian Yuzna. And he had a close encounter with Leatherface. And Ken is cool when addressed with queries about the defunct KENAN & KEL sitcom (He not only autographed my DAWN OF THE DEAD one-sheet, but personalized it with "Get outta, here, Kel." I subsequently exhibited the poster to DAWN's George Romero who insisted he never wrote "that dialogue" for the movie.. I guess George doesn't watch Nickelodeon).

Tony Todd: Okay, he's Candyman but I prefer his scene-stealing "Mr. Bludworth" in the FINAL DESTINATION flicks. Todd's acting aptitude even survived the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD remake (a Luis Bunuel masterpiece compared to the "30th Anniversary NIGHT/DEAD" excrement, which even its video distributor has pretty much disowned).

Dee Wallace Stone: Yeah, she's E.T.'s surrogate mom but, more significantly, Stone is one of the most underrated actresses in the cinema. Circumventing THE HOWLING's darkly comic nihilism, Stone developed a historically sympathetic heroine. Before you inquire about her B-flicks (CRITTERS, POPCORN, et al), check-out Stone's poignant performances in CUJO and LOVE'S DEADLY TRIANGLE (both deserving of awards): makes you want to spray a quart of Black Flag on junk like the CHARLIE'S ANGELS spin-offs (overage ingenues appear to be reading their roles off cue cards...then again, the roles appear to have originated on cue cards). A wonderful actress and, at 54, still a babe.

Doug Bradley: Quick story. A few years ago, I submitted a couple of CLASH OF THE TITANS action figures-still sealed, on cards, within bubble packs-to Ray Harryhausen. I invited him to autograph each toy's card. Casting a languid gaze at the action figures, Harryhausen sniffed, "They didn't sell very well, did they?" (Maybe not back in 1981 but-hey, Ray-check out recent sales on e-bay). Bradley's "Pinhead," incarnated this year as a HELLRAISER action figure, has proven a best-seller for Neca/Reel Toys (the franchise includes other characters from the series, e.g. Chatterer, Stitch, et al). Not too shabby, especially during a quarter when even sales of SIMPSONS toys are plummeting. The moral: Pinhead has stuck it to Ray Harryhausen.

The profusion of guests also includes Reggie Bannister, Michael Berryman, Tom Savini, David Naughton, Brinke Stevens, etc., etc. (and a reunion of the EVIL DEAD femmes). Meet the guests, including yours truly, right on my home turf in Baltimore (MD): brake at the Marriott Hunt Valley Inn, 245 Shawan Road. For further info, tap into www.horrorfindweekend.com

Let's reconvene here next month: until then, meet me in my own lair, www.scifidiva.com