Review by Ray Garton

THE ATTIC EXPEDITIONS
2001
Directed by Jeremy Kasten
Written by Rogan Russell Marshall
Starring:
Andras Jones - Trevor
Seth Green - Douglas
Jeffrey Combs - Dr. Ek
Ted Raimi - Dr. Coffee

This is only my second movie review at ReallyScary.com, so I'm pretty new here. I thought this would be a good time to tell you a little bit about how I work. I am a fiction writer by trade and writing movie reviews is something I do simply because I love movies. As a result, I feel no professional responsibility as a movie critic to do the things that most movie critics do - like finishing a movie. I am of the opinion that life is far too short for all of us and we spend way too much of it behaving as if it's going to last forever. So I do not feel obligated to sit through a movie that lets me know very early on that it's a stinker, even if I'm going to write a review about it. With that said, I feel a little better about writing this review.

The Attic Expeditions starts out with a young man named Trevor stretched out on a blanket on the grass in the shade of a tall tree. A beautiful young woman with cascading red hair comes to his side and tells him she wants to be with him forever. Suddenly, Trevor is lying on an operating table and there is a great deal of frantic activity around him. A nurse is trying to put a mask over his face and telling him to breath deeply. A surgeon, played by horror movie icon Jeffrey Combs, says some things that don't make much sense. Then, Trevor is suddenly no longer on the operating table. Instead, he is stretched out in the middle of a pentagram surrounded by candles and the beautiful redhead is chanting something cryptic and sinister.

In my movie-going experience, I have learned that someone lying in the middle of a pentagram surrounded by candles is typically not a very good sign in a movie. I make note of this, as well as the fact that the production values are cheesy and the camera work unimaginative.

Later, Alice Cooper is brought to the front desk of a mental hospital insisting that he is shrinking. He appears to be accompanied by Ted Raimi, who insists he is a doctor, Dr. Coffee, as orderlies try to carry him away along with Cooper. Dr. Coffee has come to meet with Dr. Ek, played by Combs.

Upon learning that Trevor has awakened, Dr. Ek meets with him. He explains that Trevor has been in a coma for the last four years. Trevor's response?

"That doesn't sound like anything that would happen to me at all. But I guess I wouldn't know."

What? What?

About fifteen minutes later, I realize I am using an old paperback copy of Stephen King's It to pound a butterknife into my left ear, and I decide it would be in my best interest to stop the DVD.

Life is too short, folks, it's just too damned short.

[Out of a possible four Bloodshot Eyeballs.]

Zilch